Caliph of the Hill
by SecretAgentYoy
Summary: Hank Hill is an angry, middle aged, white... Muslim convert! This can't end well...
1. Chapter 1

One cold night in Arlen, Texas, Hank finds himself lost on the other side of Arlen. The same place Hank accidentally purchased crack cocaine from that drug dealer thinking it was fishing bait. As luck would have it, Hank's truck breaks down.

"God dang it!"

Hank has had a very frustrating year. His boss Buck Strickland is making him work overtime with little pay, his weird son Bobby is getting weirder, and his friends are still useless jackasses. Not to mention that the gas gauge on his new Ford F-250 is broken so he can never know if the tank is full or empty… until he runs out. Hank puts his truck in neutral, steps out onto the road, and tries to push his truck to the nearest gas station.

"You need some help, brother?" A Middle-Eastern man says approaching Hank.

"No, I'm good. I just need to push my truck to the nearest gas station. The gas gauge is broken so don't think I'd let my truck run out of gas on purpose." Hank says trying to maintain his dignity.

"There is no need. There is gasoline in the mosque. I will get."

After a few minutes and some loud arguing in Arabic, the man returns with a container of gasoline.

"Well, thank you good sir."

"Don't mention it. I'm glad I could assist you. As a token of appreciation, please read this book."

The Middle-Eastern man handed Hank a copy of the Qur'an.

"Uhh, thanks." Hank knows he'll be throwing this in the garbage as he believes Islam is anti-American, and anti-Texas.

Later that evening at the Hill dinner table:

"Hey Dad, when's the next football game on?" Bobby said excitedly.

"Well alright. Hehe you finally like football. I've been dreaming of this day for a long time. The Cowboys are playing the Redskins Sunday."

"I don't like football the way you do. I just want to pretend that I'm the football, getting tossed around and squeezed by large, muscular men."

All of Hank's enthusiasm drained that second and Hank went back to contemplating suicide. And if things couldn't get worse, Peggy had to open her mouth.

"You know Hank, I'm 98% sure that I invented the football. Mmm-hmm when I was about 7, I took some scraps of leather that my parents had used to make a saddle, I rolled it into a ball, and started playing with it. Next thing I know, my creation is in the superbowl. Although I don't like the name "football". I'm thinking we should call it the "Peggy-ball".

"My God, will you shut the hell up? You didn't invent the fucking football!" Hank slammed his fists on the table and shouted after losing it.

"You know, most men would appreciate the fact that they're wives invented the sport of football itself!" Peggy yelled back at Hank.

Bobby, not paying attention to his parents arguing starts singing:

"My little pony, my little pony, I used to wonder what friendship could be."

Hank, having reached his boiling point, shouts

"That's it!" Hank got up from his seat, grabbed a black trash bag, marched into Bobby's room, and gathered all of Bobby's My Little Pony toys, posters, and DVD's.

"Dad! Nooo!" Bobby rushed in trying to pull the bag away from his father.

"You are a boy, Bobby. Not a girl. From now on, you will like football, and you will like it for the sport, not for whatever gay reason you said before. And from this point on, All things My Little… Pony…." Hank shuddered when saying the word "… are banned from this house."

Bobby began to cry.

"Dad… please… Twilight Sparkle is scared!"

"Not as scared as he'll be when he gets crushed by the garbage truck, hehe."

Bobby then stripped down to his tighty-whities, dropped to the floor, and shook around screaming and crying like a 2 year old.

"Hank!" Peggy stood at the door. "You let go of Bobby's ponies!"

"I will not be responsible for raising a girly son!" Hank retorted.

"You are squashing his creativity. I bet if you were my father, the football would never have been invented!"

Hank just stared at Peggy. With that, Hank dropped the bag, walked out of Bobby's room, grabbed his truck keys, and marched out the front door.

As Hank pulled out of the driveway, he could see Peggy standing at the door stomping her foot. Without listening to what she was saying, Hank sped off. Hank drove up a hill that overlooked the city of Arlen, parked there, and sat. Hank thought over 2 options. He looked at the glove compartment door knowing his .45 caliber pistol was in there and considered ending it all right there, right now. He also looked onward toward the horizon and thought about a better life for himself existing out there. Then again, it probably doesn't. Hank made his decision. He reached for the glove compartment when he saw the Qur'an that Muslim guy gave him earlier that day. Out of shear curiosity, he opened the book to a random page.

"Hehe, this is kind of like the Bible."

2 hours later, Hank had read the entire book from cover to cover.

"Yep. I'm converting to Islam now."


	2. Chapter 2

Hank drove to the Arlen mosque.

"Brother, you are back." The Middle Eastern man that helped Hank fix his truck earlier greeted him with joy.

"Yes I am, brother. I'm ready to convert."

"I am so happy for you. But remember, the term is "revert" since we were all born Muslim, but the other evil religions of the world confused us as we got older."

"Those jackasses." Hank scoffed in anger.

After Hank had been confirmed by Imam Derka Derka, he was now ready to fully commit himself to this new religion.

"Uhh, Imam?"

"Yes, Mr. Hill?" Imam Derka Derka looked stern, with his thick white beard and perpetual scowl.

"I think my son is a sodomite. What should I do?"

"Tell him about religion of peace Islam. If he is of good nature, he will revert to us and Allah will cleanse him of his sodomite lust."

"But what's if he doesn't?"

"Then lure him to Middle East. Then, he will be… dealt with. Hehehehehehehe Allah Hu Akbar."

"Hehehehe, yes, Allah Hu Akbar." Hank pronounced 'Allah' the way most Americans pronounce the word, emphasizing the first syllable instead of the second.

Hank returned home a new man. When he walked in the door, the normal things that would have bothered him, such as seeing his son sitting in his (Hank's) chair in girl's underpants, petting his pony toy, just rolled off him.

"Peggy? I'm home." Hank said smiling.

"Where'd you go Hank?" Peggy said with a scowl on her face.

"I found God, Peggy. I'm a new man. There's going to be some changes around here, I tell you hwat."

"Well, uhh congrats, Hank. I'm glad to see you finally admit that I'm right and you're wrong." Peggy said smirking.

Before Peggy could blink, Hank reached over and backhand smacked her across the face.

"Rule number 1. I am the man of the house, and therefore, your master, just as it states in the Holy Qur'an. You will do as I say, you will speak only when spoken to, and you will only think thoughts that I allow you to think. Is that understood?" Hank sternly addressed Peggy.

"…Hank?" Peggy was more confused than scared.

"And another thing. You will stop dressing like a western whore. You will wear a niqab from now on, just as Allah commands."

"Hank…. What's going on? You're scaring me."

"BOBBY! Get your ass in here!"

Bobby ran into the kitchen scared that he was in trouble.

"Yes, D-D-Dad?"

"There's going to be new rules in this house, I tell you what. Rule number 1, I am the man of the house, and therefore your master. You will do as I say or face severe punishment. Rule number 2. Every living being in this house, and that includes you Lady Bird," Hank looked and pointed at his faithful bloodhound. "will worship Allah, and will recognize Mohammad as His Prophet. Rule number 3. Bobby, you will grow a beard and only a beard. No mustache. Rule number 4. No more pork allowed. And Rule number 5. No masturbation. Whatever sick thoughts are in your head Bobby, you will pray to Allah to remove them. Is that understood? And another thing Bobby. I now have spiritual authority to burn every God dang My Little Pony item in your room. My Little Pony is from Satan and is turning you into a sodomite freak."

"Dad, I will not allow you to remove my My Little Pony stuff!"

With that, Hank proceeded to beat Bobby unconscious. He held his don Bobby down while punching him repeatedly in the face, faster and harder with each punch. Bobby screamed and cried until he was out cold. Hank then dragged his body into a closet and locked it. Peggy the whole time was hitting, kicking, and screaming at Hank to stop but to no avail. Once Hank locked Bobby away, he proceeded to grab Peggy's legs and twist them until they broke. Peggy screamed louder than she's ever screamed before.

"Hehe, there. That destroys any plans of you leaving the house without a niqab when I'm not around. When your legs heal, you will be a woman of Allah."

While Peggy lay on the floor screaming in agony, Hank walked into Bobby's room whistling "Takin' Care of Business". He grabbed everything My Little Pony related and placed it into a black garbage bag. Before leaving Bobby's room, Hank decided to urinate on Bobby's bed.

"Hehehe, that'll teach that boy."

Hank carried the bag to his backyard, fired up the grill, and burned every My Little Pony toy, poster, and DVD.

"ALLAH HU AKBAR! ALLAH HU AKBAR!" Hank chanted at the top of his lungs over and over as My Little Pony burned.

While all of Hank's neighbors watched him from their windows, Dale was watching and forming some theories.

"What on Earth is going on over there?" Nancy asked.

"Hank is lighting stuff on fire and praising Allah. He looks and sounds just like a terrorist. We all know of course that terrorists aren't real, so why is Hank…. Oh my God. Nancy, I knew it. Hank is in the Illuminati. I bet Hank's the guy who dresses up in a turban and beard and pretends to be Osama bin Laden!"

The next day in the alley, the 4 guys stood there silently, drinking… bottled water. It was Hank's turn to bring beer to the alley but instead, he brought water. The other guys, who watched Hank light a fire the night before, and shout "Allah Hu Akbar" stood there in extreme awkward silence.

"This is some good water, I tell you hwat." Hank said breaking the silence.

"Yo Hank, you alright? You were acting dang ol' crazy last night and now we're drinking water, yo man, where's the beer?" Boomhauer said.

"Alcohol is strictly forbidden in the Qur'an. From now on, we will drink water in the alley."

"Uhh Hank, are you feeling okay?" Bill asked worried about Hank.

"I have never been better, Bill." Hank said with a smile.

"You sicken me. How much did they pay you?" Dale said.

"What? No one paid me anything Dale. Guys, I have reverted to Islam. And I think all of you should do the same."

The alley was silent.

"That's fine, Hank…" Bill said looking down and away.

"Yo man, I think you dang ol' lost some nuts and bolts, you know, talk about a chemical imbalance, yo." Boomhauer said.

"You guys will come around. I was uncertain at first as well. I'll get all of you copies of the Qur'an. In the meantime however, I will be using my authority as block captain to re-write the charter. Rainey Street will be governed under Sharia Law starting today. There will be no alcohol allowed on Rainey Street. I will be doing an inspection of all of your houses by the end of this week. Also, Dale, you will use your authority as man of the house to make Nancy wear a burka. Boomhauer, the days of you bringing your whores to Rainey Street are over. And guys, we will all be growing out our beards, just as Allah wants us to do."

"Yo man, dang ol' piss off." Boomhauer walked toward his home.

"Hey Hank, There's uhh…. Something I need to do. Great talk though." With that, Bill went inside.

"Alright Dale. Now that the other two are gone, I can bring up an issue that I should've told you about long ago."

"Oh?" Dale asked interested.

"Dale… your wife is an adulteress. Your son was fathered by John Redcorn's sperm. Now, if you can bring your wife to Imam Derka Derka's home country of Eatshitistan, we can stone her for her crimes against you."

Dale thought this over.

"I get it, Hank. You realize now that I've figured you out. And now you want to use me and Nancy as terrorist hostages so you and your ilk can justify more military response in the Middle East. I used to look up to you, Hank. But now, you're one of them. An Illuminati shill." Dale walked away shaking his head disgustingly.


	3. Chapter 3

Two months have passed since the fateful night Hank converted to Islam. Hank has since been fired as block captain for trying to enforce Sharia Law on Rainey Street. Since then, Hank has become somewhat of a recluse, disowning all of his old friends. He's also taken on a new appearance, having shaved all the hair off of his head, and growing out a long beard without the mustache. Neither Peggy nor Bobby have been seen by any of the neighbors in the past 2 months. There are many rumors going around, some saying that Hank killed his wife and son, others saying they ran away.

Bobby got himself out of bed. Although he still felt pain from the beating 2 months ago, and a few other beatings since, he has gotten used to it. Bobby walks into the bathroom, and looks in the mirror. He looks at the beard his father has forced him to grow out, and the healing black eye, cuts, and bruises his father has given him over the past 2 months. Bobby also hasn't masturbated in 2 months and misses the days of jacking off to thoughts of being penetrated by Twilight Sparkle. Bobby knows that his father does a "sperm inspection" every morning to make sure there's none in his bed. Then again, maybe his father is right. Maybe My Little Pony and America are corrupt and satanic. Bobby wonders what life would be like if he was in his father's favor. Bobby's been Hank's prisoner instead of his son for the past 2 months. Bobby's door now locks from the outside and his window's been boarded up.

Peggy is able to walk again, but only with a cane. Her right leg never healed properly and she has no feeling below her knee cap. Every night since Hank broke her legs, Hank has used her as a sex doll. Hank has disconnected both the phone and computer, keeping either Peggy or Bobby from reaching out for help. Whoever Peggy fell in love with before has died, and has now been replaced by an insane psychopath.

At work, Hank's coworkers talk about him behind his back.

"You know, I always knew Hank was uptight, but he's batshit crazy now!" Enrique told Joe Jack.

"You've got that right, honey." Joe Jack replied.

Hank drove up his driveway in his red Ford truck and got out. He saw Dale, Bill, and Boomhauer drinking Alamo beer in the alley in front of Dale's house. Hank kept the rage he felt towards them to himself and walked inside. Bobby was sitting at the kitchen table… reading the Qur'an.

"Hey Bobby." Hank said warmly to his son, the first time Hank spoke in a kind manner to him in the last 2 months.

"Hey Dad."

"I see you're reading the Qur'an."

"Hey Dad? I know you've forbidden me from leaving the house, but may I go with you to the mosque? I'm ready to dedicate myself fully to Islam."

"Son…."

Bobby's still scared of Hank's unpredictable behavior.

"… Absolutely." Hank was ecstatic on the inside now that his son was ready to convert.

That evening while the guys drank beer in the alley, talking about Dale's problems with his old Dodge van, as Hank converting to Islam had become old news, they saw Hank walk out the front door, a human figure dressed in a black sheet from head to toe, and a much skinnier, different looking Bobby. The group stared as the Hill family got into Hank's truck and they drove off.

At the Arlen Mosque, the Hill family listened to Imam Derka Derka preach:

"Brothers and sisters, there is a struggle in Eatshitistan. Their government now allows women to show their faces! Western influence is creeping into Eatshitistan, and we as servants of Allah must put a stop to it!"

The congregation cheered.

"I am looking for volunteers. True followers of Allah, who are willing to die for the cause of Jihad."

After the sermon, Hank approached Imam Derka Derka.

"Imam? Me, my wife, and my son are willing to die for Allah."

"I am very glad to hear this." Imam Derka Derka replied. "When can you fly to Eatshitistan?"

"Tonight."

Later that night, Hank packed his clothes, and made Peggy and Bobby pack theirs.

"Rejoice, guys. This will be our last day spent in the great Satan. We will be in God's country tomorrow."

Hank wandered into the garage to collect some tools.

"Mom? I don't want to leave the country. I'm scared."

"Bobby… we need to kill him." Peggy said coldly.

"But Mom… He's Dad."

"No he isn't. Not anymore. He's a deranged madman. It's him or us, Bobby. He's going to kill us."

"But…"

"Bobby, I would do it myself if I could walk. You need to go into the kitchen, grab the knife, and without any hesitation, jam it into his heart."

Bobby hesitated, but then walked into the kitchen, took the knife, and waited for Hank to re-enter the kitchen. After a heart-pounding minute of anxious waiting, Bobby heard Hank leave in his truck.

"Mom… he left." This is the first time in 2 months that Hank left without locking Bobby in his room.

"Bobby, run to the neighbors and get help! Quick! Before he comes back!"

Even though Bobby knows what he should do, he struggles internally. His father loves him again, and is treating him like a son again. Should he betray his trust?

"Bobby! Now!"

Obviously, Bobby knows he should get help. So after a few seconds of thinking it over, he helped his mother up and they both leave the house, free for the first time in months.

Hank, before heading off to Eatshitistan, has decided to tie up what he considers loose ends. His niece Luanne has dishonored him by being promiscuous and being westernized. When Hank called Luanne and Lucky asking them to convert to Islam, they both refused. Hank drove his truck outside of Lucky and Luanne's house and waited. He called Luanne from a burner phone he had.

"Hello? Kleinschmidt residence."

Hank spoke in an elderly female voice. "Luanne? This is your neighbor across the street. I've fallen and I can't get up! I need you to help me! HELP!"

"Mrs. Grady? I'm coming!"

Hank hung up and laughed. "Hehe, praise Allah."

Luanne ran out the front door and just as she made it to the curb, Hank put his truck into drive and floored it mowing Luanne down. Hank looked back in the rearview mirror and saw Luanne laying in the street in a pool of blood. Just to make sure he finished the job, he put the truck into reverse and ran her over again. Hank for the next minute continuously ran Luanne over back and forth until Lucky appeared on the front porch with his shotgun. Hank sped off but not before Lucky took out Hank's back windshield.

*Knock**Knock* *Knock*

Nancy Gribble opened the front door and to her surprise, saw a figure in a black veil standing there along with Bobby Hill.

"What the…?" Nancy Gribble asked.

"Mrs. Gribble. We need to call 9-1-1. My dad has gone insane! He's a terrorist now!" Bobby frantically told Nancy Gribble.

The two went inside the Gribble house but before they could call the police, the phone rang. It was a blocked number. Nancy picked the phone up.

"Gribble residence. Who is calling?"

"Nancy? This is Hank Hill. I need someone to run over to my house and get Bobby. I need to talk to him pronto."

"Okay." Nancy handed the phone to Bobby.

"Hello?" Bobby asked curious.

"Bobby. We need to leave the country now. I killed Luanne for being a western whore so the police will be looking for me. Get your mother into the Buick and drive to the airport. I have our fake passports ready."

"You killed Luanne…"

Peggy and Nancy gasped.

"Yes, Bobby. Hehe, that was a good kill, I tell you what."

Peggy began sobbing uncontrollably.

"My God, is that Peggy crying? Bobby, you have my permission to subdue her."

Bobby remains silent not sure how to respond.

"Bobby? You still there, boy?"

"Dad… Hank.. I hope you get blown into a million pieces." Bobby said bravely.

"What'd you just say, boy?!" Hank yelled through the phone.

"The police are already here. Go ahead and try coming back home."

"Bobby, you apostate piece of shit. I am your father. Allah will send you to the hottest corner of Hell you worthless bag of shit."

"Eat a cock you sick terrorist-wannabe freak!" With that, Bobby slammed the phone down.

Hank was enraged. He could see his face turn red in the rearview mirror.

"Well fine. I disown him entirely. I will marry a true woman of Allah and get me 7 honorable children."

Hank realized that he couldn't drive back home to gather his belongings because of what Bobby said about the police. He must drive straight to the airport and board ASAP. Once Hank arrived, he went through inspection, showed his fake passport, ticket, and soon was off to Fukagoat, Eatshitistan.

2 months have passed since the night Hank ran over Luanne Platter and disappeared. Hank Hill currently holds a spot on the FBI's Top Ten Most Wanted List. Bobby has since shaved his beard and Peggy has gone back to dressing the way she dressed before, but both will have everlasting emotional and psychological scars from their 2 months in Islamic hell. The Arlen Mosque was raided by the FBI and Imam Derka Derka has been arrested for funding and supporting terrorism.

Meanwhile, in Fukagoat, Eatshitistan, the country has fallen into civil war between the strict Islamist government and the even stricter Islamist rebels, with the main issue of the war being whether to allow women to show their faces. Hank Hill stands on top of a burned out Toyota pickup in Fukagoat with a rocket launcher.

"Allah Hu Akbar!" Hank shouts as he shoots at random children in the street.

"Why would anyone do drugs when they can be terrorist?" Hank says happily, finally satisfied with his life.

Just as Hank is re-loading his rocket launcher, a rocket hits him and blows him to pieces. Hank's brain splatters against the concrete wall behind him.

The end.


	4. Alternate Ending

ALTERNATE ENDING:

After Hank gets splattered all over Fukagoat, his soul ascends to the judgment room of Allah. Hank bows before Allah.

"Allah, I have spent the last 4 months of my life as your faithful servant and I died a martyr."

"That you did, Mr. Hill…. Well, here's what I promised you. 72…"

Hank's excitement increases at the thought of receiving his 72 virgins. Hopefully, they'll be more attractive than Peggy."

"…. Bronies."

Hank sat there silently.

"Uhhh, 72 bronies?"

"Yep. Just as it states in the Qur'an. For those who kill in my name, they will be forced to fuck 72 bronies."

"Do what?! You promised me 72 virgins!"

"Gosh darn! All of you sickos come here thinking I'm going to reward you with 72 hot pussies. Why would I want you to kill in my name?! So to punish you, I will force you to serve as a sex slave to 72 bronies, who I assure you, have never had sexual experiences in their lifetimes."

"But it says 72 virgins."

"Yes. It also says 72 bronies. You see, bronies are synonymous with virgin. They both mean the same thing. It's too bad you and the rest of you terrorist scumbags think it means you get to pop 72 cherries if you kill in my name."

Suddenly, Hank was dropped into a pit. Hank fell for a few seconds before landing in a pink room. Suddenly, he was surrounded by grown men whose only sexual experiences were jacking off to My Little Pony.

"I'm gonna ride you like Pinkie Pie all night long!" One of the cretins said with a perverted smile to Hank.

"BWWWWWWAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

The end.


End file.
